myths

COMMON MYTHS ABOUT GRIEF AND LOSS

Myth: Grief and mourning are the same experience. Grief is an internal experience, the thoughts and feelings that occur after a significant loss. Mourning is the outward expression of that grief through language and/or behavior. It is mourning, not just grieving, that ultimately leads to healing.
Myth: A child's grief and mourning are short in duration. Grief and mourning constitute a process not an event. Sometimes children don't "show" strong feelings about a loss, particularly initially; sometimes they want to go out and play soon after learning about a loss. Children work out feelings best through play. This does not mean that they are not mourning or that they have "gotten over it" quickly, but may rather be the only way they have of protecting themselves from the hurt and pain they do feel. Sometimes children don't "show" their feelings because that is what is modeled by the adults around them; sometimes they control their feelings so as not to upset those around them.
Myth: Grief and mourning proceed in a predictable and orderly stage-like progression. No two children are alike in their experience and expression of grief and mourning, and there is no prescribed pattern of "normal" grief and mourning. Not even children in the same age group, with all their developmental similarities, will grieve and mourn the same way. Rather than assume we "know" what a child will (or worse yet "should") experience, we need to allow and encourage the child to teach us about his/her grief, about the variety of unique thoughts, feelings, and behaviors the child experiences as part of the healing process.
Myth: Infants and toddlers are too young to grieve . Any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve and mourn. While infants and toddlers cannot use words to "teach us about their grief,” we can learn much from their behaviors if we pay attention. Regressive behavior, sleep disturbances, and explosive emotions are all ways that pre-verbal and early-verbal children express their grief.
Myth: Children are not affected by the grief and mourning of the adults who surround them. The most important factor in enabling and encouraging children to move through mourning toward healing is the behavior of the significant adults around them. In some cases, adults deny or conceal their own grief and mourning, teaching children to do the same and leaving them to create their own explanations, often blaming themselves, for the unhappiness and tension they feel around them. In other cases, the adults may be so distraught that they are emotionally unavailable to the children, leaving them without a much-needed caring adult support system.
Myth: Childhood bereavement leads to adult maladjustment . While the trauma of childhood bereavement is significant, it does not preclude positive adjustment. Healing or "reconciliation" is greatly facilitated by family and social environments which allow and help children to do the "work" of mourning.
Myth: Children are better off if they don't attend funerals. A funeral is a significant event which allows and encourages both adults and children to comfort each other, to openly mourn, and to honor the life of the person who has died. Children should have the same opportunity as adults (indeed, should be encouraged, but never forced) to attend and participate in this important ritual in the company of caring adults.
Myth: Tears are an expression of "weakness" and should be discouraged. Adults should avoid topics that might make children cry. Because children's crying often makes adults feel helpless, there is a tendency for them to urge children to "be strong" and to avoid situations or topics that might elicit children's tears. Crying is nature's way of releasing internal tension and allows both children and adults to communicate a need to be comforted. Rather than a sign of weakness, tears are a sign of the on-going "work" of mourning, and this natural expression of grief should not be thwarted or discouraged. Adults who can share their own tears provide healthy models for this process.
Myth: Adults should be able to make bereaved children understand about religion and death. Abstract concepts are difficult to teach under any circumstances and certainly so when a death raises questions of religion and spirituality. A major goal should be to clarify any misconceptions and avoid providing explanations or concepts which minimize or deny the impact of the death on the child or overwhelm the child's capacity to mourn.
Myth: The goal in helping bereaved children is to help them "get over" their grief and "get on with" their lives. Neither children nor adults ever "get over" their grief. Rather, they "reconcile" or come to terms with their loss in a way which enables them to move forward. Pushing children to resolve or "get over" their grief impedes the healing process.

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