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HELPFUL HINTS TO ASSIST A GRIEVING CHILD

Children grieve differently than adults. They can't sustain long periods of emotional stress, so they grieve in short spurts.
Children are more likely to act out their feelings than talk about them. Some children, on the other hand, show no emotional responses. Accept your child's feelings - or lack of them.
Children's perception of death changes with age and experience. Preschool and kindergarten-aged children may see death as temporary or as reversible. "Magical thinking" might lead them to think they are somehow responsible or that it could happen to them. Older children become more aware of the reality and finality of death and may be preoccupied with its physical aspects. By age ten or eleven most children express an understanding of death as an event associated with cessation of bodily functions and as irreversible.
Children may show differing reactions. Withdrawal, aggressiveness, panic, anxiety, anger, regret, fear, guilt, having nightmares, difficulty concentrating, sleep disturbances, and physical symptoms such as stomach aches and loss of appetite may all be signs of grief. Some children may behave like they did when they were younger. Others may show no reaction at all.
Consider your child's age and maturity when talking about death. Children need information that is simple and direct, and need assurance that they, and you, will be kept safe. News of a death in the present may remind children of losses experienced in the past.
Be open and honest with feelings. Children need an atmosphere where the open expression of feelings and questions is encouraged. Listen. Hear with your ears, your eyes and your heart. Warm hugs are reassuring and say, "I'm here when you need me."
Children often act out their fears and emotions of grief, such as high activity levels, the use of seemingly inappropriate humor, clinginess, withdrawal or aggressive behaviors.
Routines offer reassurance. Routines provide predictability and familiarity for both children and adults. Do maintain familiar, established expectations, but enforce them with patience and kindness. If possible, limit the number and intensity of changes at this time.
Address your child's fears and fantasies. Children's active imaginations sometimes lead them to think something they've done or not done has caused a death. Give them as accurate information about the cause of the death as you have at the time, keeping in mind your child's level of understanding. It is perfectly acceptable to say "I don't know" or "What do you think?" or "I'll try to find out more about that for you."
Reflect your child's feelings. Make simple direct statements of your own or your child's feelings, such as "I'm so sorry that happened", "I can hear that you are feeling sad about that", "What you're doing shows me you're feeling very mad right now" or "I don't know what to say." Avoid expressions like "passed away", "went to sleep", "don't cry" or other comments that stop expressions of grief, minimize the loss, assume how others feel, cause the child undue worry, or may be platitudes often expressed when there is a death.
Remember the person who died. Talk with your children about their memories of the person who died and about the feelings and needs of those who survive. Youngsters will want to find a way to commemorate a life that was so tragically short. Encourage your children to think about how they'll help a child whose sibling or other relative has died.
Take care of yourself. This is a time when we are often revisited by our own prior losses. Face your own feelings about death. It's OK to experience sadness, anger, frustration, and tears. Eat well, get adequate rest, exercise, and use your support network of family and friends at home, at school and in the community. We all process strong feelings in different timelines and need to respect those differences in others.

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