by Molly Bright

This trimester we are emphasizing the lifelong learning skill of Reflection/Self Awareness. Before we can be sensitive to others, we first need to be aware of our own feelings, wants and needs. The courage to wonder and to think through things for oneself comes largely from awareness of ourselves as separate and valuable individuals. The ability to express how we are thinking or feeling, and what we need is a sophisticated skill. We want our children to know when they need help and how to ask for it. We want our children to learn from their mistakes rather than be simply ashamed of themselves. We want our children to feel compassion and caring for others. We want our children to control their impulses and their behavior. Being aware of their own feelings helps them develop empathy toward others and an understanding of themselves. We want our children to see their strengths and weaknesses, their likes and dislikes, their needs and the needs of others.

It is not unusual for children to strike out, or retreat, when they are unable to verbally express, (or even know) what they are feeling or needing. This is especially true when a situation stresses them emotionally. We want our children to develop the ability to know and judge situations that are safe or unsafe, appropriate or inappropriate, know what is the best response, know how to say no, know how to protect themselves and set personal boundaries. They need to have an inner place of reflection and safety in order to trust their own judgment and their own ability to decide and make choices.

We can begin to help our children build a feeling vocabulary. “Mad, happy, sad, scared” can be expanded with the school aged child to more accurately describe real, specific, every day feelings. Words such as “embarrassed”, “shy”, “confused”, “left out”, and “proud” are great words to use around our children because they learn a context to connect these feelings to experiences - ours and theirs. Negative feelings alert us to a problem, which can be solved in one way or another. Helping children talk about their options and choices does really help them develop the ability to problem solve on their own.

When helping your child handle an upsetting or confusing situation, help them define what the problem is and what their feelings are. “Why” questions are totally baffling to a young child, usually because they often don’t know the answer and can’t put feelings into words. Sometimes behavior is the only language they have. When we are trying to understand the reasons behind the tears or the behavior, it is always good to start with the most concrete. “I see your shoes and pants are all muddy and that you are upset. I wonder what happened?” versus, “Why are you crying?” This helps a child identify an end result (muddy and upset) with something that happened. Starting there helps us begin to bridge to some problem solving reflection and planning. “Let’s think of what you could do differently next time.” Sometimes it helps to simply assure your child that those feelings have an important purpose and are valid. Scared feelings help alert us to danger. Embarrassment helps alert us to a situation that is confusing or inappropriate. Anger helps us understand the need to set our boundaries or communicate what we need in better ways. Even the youngest children can feel more comfortable with themselves if their feelings are accepted and they are helped to work through their own problems. They can begin to know themselves from the inside out. And this is how children bridge beyond themselves into a community of people with similar feelings and needs even if there are great differences. Give your children the time and the support for the process of getting to know themselves. It will serve them (and those around them) well for the rest of their lives!